In this era of 24-hour media and impulsive Twitter wars we are witnessing the rapid dissipation of long-standing societal norms of basic decency and civil interaction. Vitriol and malignant verbiage run through our technology feeds and spew onto the public consciousness as regularly as Old Faithful. And, like the Romans of old, many of us are becoming desensitized to the emotional carnage caused to our fellow humans on a scale no longer confined to the Colosseum. And, even on those rare occasions where guilt and misinformation are acknowledged, few, if any, offer sincere regret and retraction.
While we can’t singlehandedly stem the tide of shifting norms, we can influence it by our individual choices within our spheres of influence. This is an empowering reminder, because even though we are part of a vast, closely interconnected world, we still spend most of our time in smaller neighborhoods, work and faith communities, and families where accountability for behavior and its impact on others absolutely makes a difference to the quality of our lives and environment.
Unfortunately, even within smaller confines and despite our best intentions, we will still violate other people’s expectations, break promises or commitments, and act deceptively. Wittingly or otherwise, each of us will hurt others on occasion. And each time we become aware of such a situation we have a choice to make: To repair and strengthen the relationship so that it becomes a blessing to us, or allow it to fester, becoming a bane and burden that we will carry forward.
An apology is a basic but effective tool to repair a breach of trust. Most of us were taught early that apologies are fundamental to our social well-being: Children are still taught to say “Sorry” even before they are able to speak a full sentence. In fact, I recently watched as my daughter coaxed my granddaughter to sign “I’m sorry” even before she can speak at all! Disappointingly, far too many do not progress much beyond those rudimentary words, as witnessed by apologies made by adults that are often as emotionally flat and unconvincing as those made by children.
Apologizing is an essential skill for reconciling and strengthening relationships. Sincere apologies are impactful precisely because a verbal expression verifies that the offender understands that their actions damaged trust and requires reparation. While verbal acknowledgement is a necessary first step, it is also insufficient. The weightier question concerns what more is required to effectively apologize. A recent study highlighted the most critical components of an effective apology: 1) an acknowledgment of responsibility, 2) an explanation of what went wrong, 3) an expression of regret, 4) an offer to repair, 5) a declaration of repentance or commitment to not repeat the offense, and 6) a request for forgiveness. And while including more elements is better, some carry greater weight. Acknowledgement of responsibility and an offer to repair or restore what was damaged or taken were considered the most important components, while a request for forgiveness was considered the least important.[i]
Becoming aware that you’ve offended or hurt someone can be awkward and emotionally challenging. A normal reaction is to defend yourself and explain your way out of it. We feel justified using the “they shouldn’t have been offended because …” tactic because most of us don’t often intentionally hurt others. That we are not bad people rings true but misses the point. When you find yourself needing to apologize, consider the following:
Recognize and evaluate your actions:
First, check your pride. Then assess and recognize the offense for what it is. Was it intentional? Is it a misunderstanding? Listen to your gut — it’s often a reliable indicator of what is real. Regret and remorse of conscience is to our emotional well-being what pain is to our physical preservation — a warning and a protection from additional damage. These feelings are an acknowledgement that you had some part in hurting someone. Recognizing these feelings is actually positive because they reveal self-awareness that your behaviors are not in line with your value system. Allow them to be the motivating force to take the next positive steps to correct the situation.
Acknowledge and own your actions to those you’ve offended:
This may seem simple but it’s often difficult because the person is hurt, not talking to and even avoiding you. Don’t press your timeline on them — this isn’t for your benefit. Give them time to work through their emotion and gain composure before approaching them or they will have difficulty hearing what you have to say.
Apologize in person and in private. If this isn’t possible then a phone call is the next best thing. Explain, but do not excuse your behavior. Most importantly, own the choices you made and acknowledge the impact of your actions on them. Ask for their forgiveness; then shut up and listen to what they say. You’ll want them to quickly forgive you but be patient. This is their opportunity to express their hurt. The most impactful action you can take is to listen with empathy and manage defensiveness. Give them time to really air it out.
You may consider writing a follow-up letter as a way to reinforce the importance of the relationship, your desire for forgiveness, and to give them a point of reference that may help them work through any residual feelings.
Repair and restore:
Depending on the offense, it may not be possible to make things completely right, but your obligation is to do everything within your power to repair the damage you’ve caused. Ask them how you can make things right. Your actions should be commensurate to redress the breach of trust and any collateral damage. A forgotten dinner appointment may be as easy as an offer to treat them on a newly rescheduled date. Reputational damage is harder to restore but still possible, with effort. Whatever can be done to repair and restore the integrity of the other person and your relationship is the expectation, nothing more or less.
Learn and move forward:
See and use the experience as a tutor. Mistakes are a fact of life. Everyone makes them, but they don’t have to become tragedies. “Success in life isn’t the absence of failure but going from failure to failure without any loss of enthusiasm.”[ii] Prioritize the present. While you can’t rewrite history, you can ensure history doesn’t repeat itself.
Forgive yourself and quiet your inner critic — that nagging voice that reminds you that you messed up. Journaling and listing your positive qualities can help redirect those negative thoughts. Writing is also an effective way to clarify your goals — what you want differently for the future, who you want to become, and how you hope to move forward. Let out your feelings of remorse about the situation and those you hurt. Talk with trusted others about the experience. Get perspective from someone who isn’t emotionally invested and use their dispassionate point of view to think through ways you will make future interactions with associates, family, and others better.
If you are caught up in our current cultural decline, fiercely racing others to the bottom of civility, courageously stop. Remember what you were taught as a kid. Sincerely saying “Sorry” certainly still matters. You won’t arrest the coarseness of civil discourse alone, but you will improve your own life and make a positive difference in the quality of lives of those around you. Who doesn’t want that?
[i] Lewicki, R. J., Polin, B., & Lount, R. B. (2016). “An exploration of the structure of effective
Apologies”, Negotiation and Conflict Management Research, 9, 177-196.
[ii] Attributed to different authors including Abraham Lincoln and Winston Churchill.